How To Write Bad Dialogue
Writing dialogue for a story? Here are a few ways to make sure they sound unbelievably phony (just in case you’re joining a “bad writing” contest or something).
Use contrived dialogue. Dialogues are excellent tools for showing meaningful exchanges that reveal details about the characters and certain situations. Go beyond that and use dialogue to advance the plot. Sure, it makes for boring action, but that’s exactly what wins “bad writing” awards.
Use fashionable language. Do you watch the Jersey Shore? Make your characters speak like those “Guidos and Guidettes” — it’s funny. Problem is, there’s a good chance all that “GTL” and “DTF” will be unremarkably obscure in a couple of years. If you’re hoping readers will still find your novel relevant then (which, we’re guessing, isn’t the goal of a “bad writing” contest), we suggest steering clear of such language. Fashionable things are fun, but fashion fades and what’s funny today may just be impossible to understand for potential readers five years from now.
Don’t bother matching the dialogue with the character. Make the businessman speak like Steve-O and the 15-year old student sound like a 60-year old divorcee. Even better, exchange those two dialogues styles with each other during the middle of the story. Suffice to say, your readers’ heads will go in circles trying to understand why the heck your characters talk like they have multiple identities. It’s fun.
Make your dialogue stiff. Write it such that your characters sound like they’re reading from a contract drafted by a law firm. Your readers will be imagining that in monotone and that’s a beautiful thing.